How I Nearly Got Kicked Out of Japan

by mo on 04/30/2010

It’s been three years, I think this story deserves to be told by now.

It was April 2007. I had been studying abroad in Japan for 8 months now. I had lived with several host families, but unfortunately, this fourth and final family was a little bit full of crazy. Host mom had her own physical and mental issues, and in general just had a stick up her ass about, well, everything. She was hyper-obsessed with a fear of me doing something wrong and getting her (or worse, her daughter, who wasn’t even in the country at the time) in trouble. So I would get reprimanded for many horrible things I did, such as using Kansai-ben (the dialect of the area I had lived in for the past 8 months) instead of standard Japanese (not offensive language, mind you, just the dialect, typical conversation, the same way she and everyone else in a 50 mile radius spoke).

Adding onto whatever fundamental issues my host mom and I had with each other, the house did not have internet that I could reliably use, which became a point of contention. For quick things I would borrow their computer, but as my laptop would not connect, I would often go to downtown Kobe (Sannomiya) and sit in a cafe with wifi to blog, contact my family, etc.

I always sensed my host mom had issues with this activity, mostly because a) she would say strange things when I left the house, such as “it’s springtime, so all the perverts are coming out this time of year!” (I guess they hibernate like bears?) and b) I found out she was notifying my school administration I was doing this horrible thing. (It wasn’t even an internet cafe… it was a cafe with wireless!)
IMG_2193
Springtime, the season for perverts in Japan

If you’re wondering why the high school would even care… let’s just say it was a pretty ritzy private all girls’ school with its own extensive set of rules including:
• No going out in your uniform to any store after school (to prevent you from misbehaving and giving the school a bad rap)
• No going to karaoke EVER (one of the most common pastimes for middle schoolers and high schoolers in Japan, and clearly the cause of a lot of social disruption in Japan)
• No net-cafes either, apparently
• A slew of things that have to do with hair accessories (No wearing hair accessories that were not black hairties) that aren’t really relevant here
• No printing things at school (never really figured this one out. Not a single page, ever.)

Some of these rules are typical for Japan, some of these rules are excessive, even for Japan. I knew something was up when I confronted host mom about reporting my wifi-related-activities to the school and she got defensive and accused me of engaging in enjo kousai (often translated as “compensated dating” or “schoolgirl prostitution”) since that’s the main thing that apparently goes on at net-cafes.
IMG_2251
The infamous cafe where most of my illicit behavior occurred

So things were a little fishy, but generally going fine.

Until April 17th, when I awoke to find an email from my Japanese teacher in America stating that there were apparently some issues with my host family and they were very angry at me for breaking the rules AND for what I had written on my blog.

What?? Angry? No one ever told me… and what about my blog now?

It turns out that a couple of posts I had written doing some mild complaining about things like the lack of internet had gotten around, particularly back to America, where host family’s older daughter was studying. Some of her friends decided to tell my host family about it, and intentionally skew it to sound worse than it actually was.

So now I was left with no choice but to confront the issue, or risk being thrown out of Japan a month early.

What ensued was a lengthy crying-session by my host mom about how much I had hurt her with my activities and my blog, and the allegation that all this stress I had put them under forced her not to eat for a week (she never ate–how was I supposed to know this time was my fault?) I really had to ask, what words were exactly that hurtful?

Completely seriously, she says, “You use some really bad language on there. I heard it says the word ‘pissed’… now, I don’t speak English, so I don’t know what that word means, but I hear it’s a vulgar term for PEE!!”

This was the moment when I realized all was lost. This miscommunication was never ever to be solved, no matter how many times I told her that pissed=annoyed/angry. Instead, I apologized profusely, and put a password on my blog.

Things simmer down for a couple of awkward weeks with the host fam. Until one day at school, where I get pulled out of class, taken to the library, and the teachers in charge of exchange students sit me down at a computer and tell me to delete my blog. Now.

??!?!

Apparently, having a password on it makes it LOOK like I have something to hide, and people will be curious about it, because that’s human nature. Thus, the blog must be deleted. The school also made up a new rule about blogs and how students can’t make any that talk about people or have pictures that are “too big” or “too clear”.

After that blew over (moving my blog to a slightly different address seemed to do the trick), my host family decided to notify me they wouldn’t be hosting me after the next week. I had 3 weeks left in Japan. Host mom seemed to get a kick out of telling me I would probably be homeless for the last two weeks of my exchange. To her dismay, I emailed a previous host mom, and in under 5 minutes, I had a futon waiting for me. So much for me being the scum exchange student of the universe.

IMG_2996
Sometimes I felt rebellious enough to take my indoor school shoes out on the town

So I’m not sure what the take-home message is here… probably the following:
1) Living with host families sucks sometimes.
2) It’s better to have either your host family or your school on your side. When they both gang up on you, you’d better comply or your days are numbered. Also, pay attention to the subtlest clues that something strange is afoot, since neither party may mention that you’re in trouble.
3) Perverts come out in the spring, cafes are for prostitution, and pissed always means pee.

This post was a submission for the April 2010 Japan Blog Matsuriall about ‘Secret Japan’ hosted at Gakuranman.

There are 53 comments in this article:

  1. 1/05/2010MJBP says:

    Hi Mo! This story brought back a lot of memories. Thinking about it now, I wonder if the original confusion might have been between internet cafe (decidedly sketchy) and cafe w/ internet (does not exist in Japan). Seriously, how did you find a cafe with wireless in Japan? As far as I can tell there are zero of them in Kyoto…maybe Kobe is just more modern. Anyway, I’ll bet your host mom didn’t know what they were. Also, pretty low move on the part of whoever it was who misconstrued “pissed” like that. On the plus side, this could potentially be very good Dorama material?

  2. 1/05/2010Aleks says:

    Bah, sounded like a horrible time to be you. Now, I don’t know all of the procedures and steps required to secure a host family, but surely there is some sort of meet ‘n greet or compatibility test…or something! Going with random host families opens you up to the entire spectrum of good and bad, and it’s a shame you happened to get the worst of the worst.

    Anyway, interesting tale. I would have loved to see her face when you told her you had a place to stay after she told you homelessness was your only option.

  3. 1/05/2010mo says:

    MJBP: There were definitely reasons for the miscommunication, one of them being the whole internet-cafe vs. cafe-with-wifi. There’s hardly any in Japan, but there are a FEW in Sannomiya (namely the one pictured in the photo, in the main 商店街). It’s slow, but it existed, and that’s all I needed. On the other hand, I did check out a bona fide net-cafe this time, and although it wasn’t the nicest place in Japan I would not ever worry about an 18-year-old being at one. Host mom didn’t get out much, which made it even more difficult to explain what the kind of place I was going to was. People back home messing with me definitely made matters worse, but yes, I think you’re right that there is a good dorama in here!

  4. 2/05/2010mo says:

    Aleks: You’ve hit on one of the main problems with this whole host family business. I had four host families over the course of the year: some of them were simply hosting because they enjoy having exchange students, and some were doing it because of an obligation to the school (for example, their daughter was going abroad and being hosted, so they were expected to return the favor). The families that did it for the love-of-hosting are some of the most wonderful people I’ve ever met, and we’re still close. The family in the story above was, needless to say, the latter case. In a perfect world, they would never even have to host someone because enough people would volunteer (though I’m guessing in Japan the pressure placed on families to host out of obligation is higher than in Western countries).

    So even if a compatibility test were impossible, I would advise to other exchange students to try and figure out the reasons that your host family is hosting early on (often they will come right out and tell you, or you can just ask). If it’s because they want to, even if you don’t get along 100% perfectly, they’re going to be the kind of people who are devoted to working it out and coming to some kind of understanding. If you find out they’re doing it because they have to, just proceed with a bit more caution.

    While I’m glad I did get to see the entire spectrum of good to bad host families, once was certainly enough of having to worry about this kind of thing. And yeah, my host mom’s face was kind of priceless. I definitely rubbed it in by showing her the actual email saying I had a place to stay, with all the little bouncing hearts and smiley face emoticons in there. Gotta appreciate the little things, sometimes!

  5. 2/05/2010Secret Japan Blog Matsuri – Gakuranman.com says:

    […] tells us a tale from her days being a student abroad student in Japan. She came across some startling discoveries – apparently perverts […]

  6. 2/05/2010Ryan says:

    Sounds like you had a great time… Seriously though, I would have lost it way before you did!

  7. 2/05/2010Franzi says:

    Wow, you reveiled more than one secret here! Very interesting story, ‘though it sounds like a tough experience.

  8. 2/05/2010elisia says:

    Wow…your host mum sounds like some control freak. She’s so scared that you’ll influence her daughter who’s like not even in the country. Wow.

  9. 2/05/2010elisia says:

    Oh by the way, schools in Singapore also have some rules of their own which are similar. Hairties can only be plain blue, black, or white (since blue and white are usually the colors of most school uniforms). My school didn’t allow baby blue, only dark blue. I once used a white Bananas in Pajamas printed scrunchie and was told off that I can’t use that. I also used a lighter blue hairtie and was also told off. I got so fed up that I stuck with black, the safest color.

    Students are also not allowed into game arcades in their school uniform. If you want to enter one after school, you got to change into your regular street clothes.

  10. 2/05/2010yukari says:

    OMG…I didnt know all that…I’m so sooooo sorry to hear what happened to you with your homestay while you were in Japan…なんで言ってくれへんかったん! あたしの家にhomestayできたらよかったんにね!!

  11. 2/05/2010Jems says:

    Fun read. I know it’s all in the past, I’m glad you were able to stay all the same.

  12. 2/05/2010mo says:

    Ryan: Haha yeah keeping cool was definitely a challenge… sooo frustrating. I think my frustration is apparent in this post…

    Franzi: Thanks for the comment! Your post actually inspired me to finally tell this story. (I was worried no one else would do personal stories for the matsuri)

    elisia: Yeah seriously, control freak is a good word for her (though definitely an understatement, in my opinion). Interesting that you had similar rules in Singapore. They’re pretty annoying — it’s definitely a cultural norm to have all these rules about insignificant things like hair ties that people spend lots of effort trying to bend/break. I got in big trouble when I “dressed up” for halloween as sailor moon (I just did the hairstyle, nothing else) and used the red hairties. Hilarious that you got in trouble for Bananas in Pajamas, you are such a troublemaker!!

    yukari: 言ったら良かったのにな・・・なんかね、文句とか言えば悪口してることなんて学校が聞いたら、もっとトラブルになるかもしれないって思って、友達にも言わなかった!!ごめんね!多分ストレスたまってたことなんとなくわかったけど。。。たけちゃんのとこに行けば良かったぁ!今更話乗ってくれてありがとうね〜

    Jems: Sankyuu!! Thanks for reading!

  13. 4/05/2010shockerz says:

    Whoa! That sound harsh for you to live with your last host family. Having been through it you must be proud to be able to have a taste of what’s makes a good host family & what don’t.

    I thought student will be living with one chosen host family only and not a range of 5?

  14. 5/05/2010mo says:

    Shockerz: In general, the number of host families someone has depends a lot on the program they’re on for studying abroad. Mine was a very small program through my high school where one student from America would go to Japan for a year and one student from the same school in Japan went to my school in America. All of the families on both sides were technically voluntary, and the schools don’t want to push a family to host for longer than a couple of months. Hosting is a big stress on the family (even when it goes well) so I understand the reasons by having many host families instead of just one or two.

    On the other hand, I did have to move six times that year. It takes several weeks to get adjusted, learn to communicate well with the new family, and figure out how things are going to work. More host families means more stress on the student (learning how to get to Sannomiya and school from four houses that were up to 1.5 hours apart was not easy).

    Hopefully I do have a better idea what makes a host family good or bad though after living with so many different families.

  15. 7/05/2010David says:

    Wow 6 times! I was in a college exchange in Kobe and lucky had the best host family ever, but my pals has some of the same issues. Sometimes their fault, but it also was the host parents or too. One of my pals got kicked out because their son’s English grades didn’t improve. They blamed that on the exchange student not speaking English enough around the house. They didn’t blame it on all the majjong he was playing or the fact that he ditched most of his classes.

  16. 7/05/2010mo says:

    David: Kicked out because the son’s English grades didn’t improve?? That is insane. Host siblings can be just as horrible to interact with as host parents (though in my experience, I ended up spending more time with host mom of a family than anyone else). I’m glad that I was never expected to speak English around the house or to tutor my host siblings. The reverse seems almost reasonable (I wouldn’t mind helping teach English to an exchange student in America) but in Japan? It’s your chance to actually LEARN Japanese!! Immersion, baby!

  17. 30/06/2010Leslie says:

    Sometimes the culture shock is too much for any of us! A very proper way to rebel though, taking your school uniforms shoes outside! Even as a mom, I give you that one.

  18. 11/09/2010chame says:

    Wow, your exchange experience was freakily like mine. I also had 6 host families in a year. So I moved every two months. By the third move I stopped unpacking and just lived out of my suitcase. I think someone in one of the houses stole my nonrefundable return plane ticket.

    My first host family was so mean. The host mom was mean, mean, mean. First of all, they gave me a nasty case of athlete’s foot. And then the host mom did something so gross one day that I’m not sure that I can write about it on your blog. But I think it scarred me for life. Let’s just say it involved a toilet, a tampon, and chopsticks. I’ll leave the details between me, God, and that c*nt of a host mom. But I got even with them because they had an ice display at the winter festival. I knocked part of the ice off and destroyed their stupid sculpture. I wasn’t living with them anymore at the time. I should have bashed the whole thing into tiny pieces. Actually, that didn’t make it even. To get even I would have had to give them some sort of vicious fungal infection that took years to get rid of but never really entirely goes away because Japan has the worst athlete’s foot strains on the damn planet.

    My homeroom teacher was mean, too. She laughed at my foot size while pointing at them the first day I met her when the school was trying to get me a pair that fit. Dyke b*tch. She was the school PE teacher. Short hair. Broad shoulders, big butt. You get the idea. And then she tried to get me in trouble for having died hair. But my hair wasn’t died. The foreign teacher at the school had to explain to the principal that odds were good that I wasn’t lying because dark brown hair instead of black was a possible color option among my race. Apparently, they thought that gaijin hair came in blonde or blue-black like theirs with nothing in between. Ignorant yaps. Dumb les probably thought I was perming my hair, too.

    Anyway, I liked your jlpt story. I believed it, too. Your blog has the ring of absolute truth to it. But I have a question about how many people on the internet lie about passing the jlpt. (I totally don’t mean you. I believe you.) I started wondering because today I read a blog that I didn’t believe. This girl attending some place called ICLS in Malaysia took the jlpt 2 even though her intensive language school told her she would fail it. So she left all of these details leading up to the test. Then after the test, she suddenly just leaves like one sentence saying she passed it with none of her usual detail or the gloating that she would have undoubtedly done because before getting her score report she talked about how when she passed it, it would prove that her school didn’t know what they were talking about when they said she wouldn’t pass. Then after the test, zero details. I personally believe that she failed but didn’t want to be humiliated so she said she passed in her blog. But the lie is uncomfortable so she made it a short lie and didn’t go into detail. Well, at least she feels guilty about lying. Pathological liars don’t even have the decency to feel guilty so they will go into great detail.

    Anyway, I have wondered about this before. Like how many people lie about passing the jlpt on forums because the jlpt is sort of a pissing contest (my apologies to your former host mom because in this sense, pissing really does mean pissing–oh, my! Goodness! Gracious. My heavens. Well, I never…well only once and I didn’t like it.) among foreigners.

    Thanks for your blog my six host family soul sister/doppleganger.

  19. 11/09/2010chame says:

    P.S. I came across some Japanese woman’s blog where she brags about the Japanese concept of omoiyari and she implies that the Japanese are so much more thoughtful than Americans. So I left her my personal experience with Japanese omoiyari. Do you think she’ll quote me like she did some American who said that he was so much like Japanese people instead of other Americans because he was so wonderfully full of omoiyari? LOL. My bet is not. Here is what I wrote to her:

    No offense. But I want to offer my truthful opinion on this matter. I don’t think Japanese people are much better at being sensitive than any other people. I was an exchange student to Japan and found that if anything Japanese people were often far more obviously insensitive or cruel than would have been culturally acceptable in America.

    As an example, my homeroom teacher pointed at my feet and laughed out loud about their size my first day at the Japanese school I attended. An American teacher would absolutely never point at a child and laugh at any part of them. Perhaps, of course, after the child and teacher knew each other, they could make a friendly joke. But an American teacher would never openly mock a new student on their first day in that manner. I have many, many examples of similar behavior by Japanese people during my year in Japan. But there is no point in listing case after case.

    My experience is that the Japanese pride themselves quite arrogantly on being especially polite. However, I have found that their politeness is hollow because it is generally on a formulaic level that has no true spirit of kindness behind it. So it is really a false politeness that comes to lack meaning because it is simply a set of rules. True politeness requires careful thought to each particular situation. Simply saying things like ‘yoroshiku onegaishimasu’ or ‘otsukaresama’ or ‘gochiso sama deshita’ or ‘itadakimasu’ just because you are required to does not impress me.

    I find that there is very little relationship between politeness and kindness in many cases. For example, I dated a German man who was raised by his grandfather. He was very well brought up in all of the niceties of polite upper class society by his grandfather. His family were very proud of their long line of high class ancestors. His grandfather was an nazi S.S. officer. So I can well imagine him shooting a jewish mother in the head during the day then going to have a polite dinner with his wife in the evening. The grandson is now a high ranking official in the German Bundes Polizei. The German higher military and police ranks are full of the well born and polite grandsons of well born and polite German S.S. officers who committed inhuman acts. The grandson is a well spoken, well mannered, sociopath. He will make it very far in life. Well bred and cruel is a winning combination in any society.

    Sorry, but I have seen first hand Japanese omoiyari. I am not any more impressed by it than Nanking’s comfort women were no doubt.

  20. 9/10/2010rachel says:

    Dear Mo,
    It’s unfortunate you meet such a crazy woman who just wanted to see an exchange student miserable. In her mind, she must be thinking on how can I get rid of this inexperienced student once and for all so I can save my money on electricity bill.
    When I look at your picture on the blog, you look like a nice and educated girl. How could your host family mistreat you like that?
    Anyway,there are good people and bad people in this world. It is also an eye opening experience that we shouldn’t look at Japanese as something better than other people. They are normal people after all.
    I have hosted Japanese people and I’m sad to say, the one I met are hypocrites and very stingy.
    Rachel

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    Seriously I didn’t know that Japan was so strict!
    Thanks for the post, I will definitely reconsider going on an exchange programme to Japan!

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